Dating without sex
My “sexual experience” consisted of doctors poking and prodding me and men looking disappointed at me for something I couldn’t explain or help.
My doctors told me I could have a sexual experience in other ways.
I wanted to date and feel normal, but the problem was that I wasn’t normal – not in the sexual sense anyway.
It was a Saturday night, and I had somehow convinced myself to go on another date.
But I never bothered to ask them how that would work when I flinched at the mere touch of a man.
They told me there was more to relationships than just sex.
I imagined what it would be like to tell this cute, blue-eyed stranger that no matter how loud he made me laugh or how attentively he listened to my childhood stories, I may never be able to have sex with him. I pushed the thought out of my head, erased the text, grabbed my keys, and walked out the door. As I parked my car, I could feel beads of sweat dotting the back of my neck.My eyelashes were still damp from the tears I shed while talking on the phone with my best friend.“I’m just not someone who is supposed to be loved,” I told her.It doesn’t help that, since I last had a boyfriend, the line between dating and dating app-enabled casual sex has become very thin.When I say I started dating, really it was just joining Tinder.
Each match made me panic as I imagined explaining my situation to someone. I could hardly even listen to friend’s stories of sexual escapades without feeling like my stomach was going to fall out of my body.